Ah, I see. You are here too. It doesn’t matter where I am. You are within me.
These words came to me as I stood, looking at a notice board, appreciating the wild array of creative potential that is available in this very place. The words came out of the silent space I was spending the day within. I spent the day in silent retreat with Marlies Cocheret. It was a wonderful way to come to ground in the stillness of my own being when all around me had changed.
These words landed in me, just as I had landed back in the UK a few days earlier. And, as I landed, physically, something else landed in me too. Something I can’t quite explain; like a deep, rooted, feet on the ground feeling, a welcome home embrace from the land through my feet.
I arrived early Thursday morning and spent my first day back at my brother’s house in London. In a complete DAZE. I wasn’t quite sure if the last year had been a dream or not. I feel as though I have slow motion closed my eyes to blink and then opened them again to the place I began. Yet, something feels different. And there is this deep recollection of a beautiful dream I just had. You know, those dreams you wake up from and the dream stays with you. It’s in your cells. It’s a memory of something that touched you deeply and will stay with you in your heart every time you go there in your mind.
That is what it feels like to me. My heart is so full. So full of appreciation for this waking dream I just had. It was full of everything; laughter, tears, joy, sorrow, pain, complete pleasure, deep, lasting connections and brief encounters that flew in and out. There were lucid moments of intimacy through dance, music and movement.
There were times of feeling lonely, mouldy and trapped in a Jungle with a giant scorpion and about 10 bats as room mates! And there were times of feeling complete freedom through my voice in both communication and allowing it to soar in song.
I saw some experiences through to their completion, and stayed with them where, in the past, I may have sought distraction from an uncomfortable feeling. I got to work through some deeply uncomfortable conflicts, inner and outer, and break down some core belief systems that were perfectly distorting my perception.
I dropped in deeply with my natural surroundings; I saw Whales – lots of them! I hiked through redwoods that I had seen in my dreams two years before. I got to sing on the main stage at Shaktifest in Joshua Tree National Park with Masood Ali Khan. I tasted Cacao in a whole new light with Kieth, the Cacao Shaman, in Guatemala and had the pleasure of working with him for two whole months.
I have bathed in splendiferous hot springs and made many friends who, when asked how we met, we look at each other, smile and say ‘naked in a hot tub.’ I swam in the untamable ocean with a dear loved one, chilled to my bones, taking refuge on the rocks, knowing I had to swim further and then back!
I allowed love in and I let it flow from me so many times in so many different ways. I feel so touched by all those who I met along the way, the deep medicine they brought me with the gift of their presence. I will be ever grateful for this and I will ever cherish them ( yes YOU ) in my heart.
Yes, this waking dream of a year has touched me immeasurably. It’s in my bones, flowing through my veins as a memory very much alive in me.
I was afraid to let go. I was afraid to return. I was dreaming of staying longer, of coming back just so I could return there, to that waking dream. I fantasised about ways I could do this; that I would fall in love and marry over there; I would find a course of study that was applicable for a visa; oh hell, I would throw my pass port away and simply stay!!! None of these transpired ( especially not the last one which I would unlikely ever have done! 😉 ).
Throughout all of my dreaming was a small, still voice within me. Something more like a feeling that whispered ‘not right now.’ Whenever I weighed up my options, I was struck by the deep grounded feeling my body responded with when I thought of returning to the UK. It was interesting. My mind telling me one thing; the story it liked about living in California. And my body was gently nudging me in another direction. Of course, with all the work I have been doing in the last few years, at the end of the day I will listen to my body of wisdom – it knows!!
And, naturally, this is not definitive. It does not mean forever. Nothing ever does. It simply means that, for now, for as long as ‘now’ lasts, that I will listen to what is right for me and live it. I still dream of returning to California and hope to in the not too far future. How could I not go back when I know all these amazing people over there?!
It was, nonetheless, true for me, that when I landed back in the UK, I landed. There was resistance in me. And it is still coming and going in waves. The sweet pain of letting go so that something new can be born. I am here with it all. I slept 1 1/2 hours last night and spent the rest of the night in deep commitment to myself not to abandon myself as a wave of restlessness, panic and ‘holy crap what am I doing with my life??!!’ washed over me.
I am here with it all and, surprisingly, I feel rested. The sweet letting go so that something new can be born. It needs to work its way through my body in the loving presence of awareness. I will dance it tonight, that pain, that gratitude, that deep love that cuts me open and bears my spirit to the world in such sweet abandon. I will dance it and I will sing it and I will stay with it stay here, through it all. I will let it be and let it move and transform in its own sweet way, in its own sweet time. The inner alchemy of the Spirit is perfect despite what the mind makes of it.
Here, with my own experience, I invite you to be here with yours. We can stand together. Me in my experience and you in yours with the resonance of what we share weaving itself in the space between us.
All of you who I am yet to see and reconnect with, I so much look forward to meeting again. To meeting each other where we are, as we are. In that vulnerable and naked space of presence where whatever arises is exactly what is meant to arise. Whether laughter or tears, we each have the opportunity to look in side and ask; What medicine does this bring? How shall I respond? How can I embrace this experience in loving kindness?
And to all those who have touched me in this last year. A deep bow of gratitude. I am forever yours.