It has been so very long since I sat to write….
And my time is preciously limited!
Our little one sleeps,
Resting next door.
His sweet breath rises
And falls.
His innocent face an ocean of potential.
Did I mention I am in Love?
I am.
I’ve known him for 10 months
wombside
And 8 1/2 months
Earth born.
Relatively, it is a short time.
Yet ours is one of the most intimate relationships
I have ever encountered.
Born naturally, at home,
He entered this world on our living room floor,
Not the birth pool as I had thought.
He was
Earth
Born.
Through the gap between my legs,
Ross, my beloved, passed him to me.
A boy.
In my eyes, I saw him glowing gold.
A vision which leaves me in awe to this day.
An aura I still see around him.
As I was taking him in,
He was taken away.
Struggling to gasp his first breath,
He was rushed to hospital.
I lay motionless on the floor,
Nothing left in me but the image of our son,
Glowing gold.
Something kept me from panic.
Perhaps it was exhaustion following a long birthing.
Perhaps it was the deep inner feelings of trust,
The whisperings and holding I somehow sensed around me,
Around him,
That told me
He was going to be OK.
He is OK.
Five hours later,
Following my own journey in hospital,
I welcomed our son again,
Into my arms,
Into this world.
I stayed with him
In the special care unit of Torbay hospital,
Six more days.
I took him out of the incubator and held him close and,
When I could,
I slept with him next to me,
In the hospital bed….
…
I still sleep with him next to me in our bed.
We, our little family of three,
Ross, Óran and I.
We spend our nights together…
Sometimes restful, sometimes not so.
Yet, intimate.
We know each other day and night and
I celebrate all the parts of our son
I get to know through being with him in this way.
We have no special ‘baby things.’
It’s just us,
A few wooden toys,
Cardboard boxes,
A HUGE bed,
The sling and
A whole lot of Love.
Parenting naturally.
Parenting at our own pace.
Parenting receptively.
Parenting compassionately.
Parenting communicatively.
Parenting with presence.
Parenting with support.
Parenting with a sustainable focus.
Parenting with integrity.
These are my commitments to our dear son.
These qualities also must be my commitments to myself,
To Ross,
To life.
Becoming a parent has exposed a whole new world
To my innocent eyes.
My movement, yoga, singing & creative practices
Feel, now, like such
Luxuries!
As Óran grows,
Spaces open and I can find time to
Explore the inner realms of me,
To stretch out my aching muscles,
To feed my soul.
Movement can be play that Óran and I share…
I try to “practice contemplative movement” while
He giggles and crawls all over me,
Offering me wet, open mouthed kisses and
Planting his face into mine.
I wrap him up in me
And
Let him go when his curiosity catches him.
I find presence in the
awareness of a few simple breaths
When I am up in the wee small hours of
The morning, feeding him.
I breathe into compassion;
Towards myself when I am exhausted and when
I feel I have nothing left;
When Ross is tired after a day of working;
When Óran moans as the little stubs of his teeth
Peek through his achy gums.
I try to slow down when
I start to feel myself getting carried upon
A wave of the fast paced society I am a part of.
I do not want to model this to our son.
I have not witnessed it create health and well being…
In anyone.
I would like to be part of a different reality.
It starts with me.
It starts with our family.
How we parent is a political and social statement.
It is not one we are trying hard to make to prove something to the world.
It is one that feels right,
That feels aligned with
Our natural selves.
Parenting asks me to look more deeply into myself.
It helps me realise how important genuine communication is.
Between Ross and I.
Between ourselves and grandparents, extended family and friends.
It asks me to live more authentically,
Even closer to my Self than I was before.
And as a woman who has found ‘safety’ in my independence,
It is truly asking me to appreciate
That support on this journey is so important.
That reaching out and asking for help
Is a strength and
That, in raising a child, it
Truly does
Take a village.
I hope, in the not too distant future, to explore and share more deeply the values I have mentioned. Parenting has highlighted them to me and asked me to embed them deeper into my own way of being. Challenges arise on this journey and myself and Ross do the best we are able to with the history and conditioning that we contain. If ever the mirror were being held up for us to see ourselves more intimately, it is now.
All Love,
Hayley xx