Our next Nurturance group will be on exploring our cells: the communities that live within ourselves and how they connect us to our wider environment, and each other.

Some thoughts and inspirations:

‘Cells don’t live in isolation. This simple fact offers a lesson about our lives: Living creatures are tender and vulnerable and only thrive in situations that offer supportive context. If a person stops feeling connected to community and world, he or she will not thrive.’
(How life Moves, Caryn McHose & Kevin Frank)

Does this strike a chord within you? What arises?
I’m curious.

Looking in, I sense a longing. A truth that lands, quite literally, within my cells. Sensing in to my cells I find the edge where my self meets the world around me. I am both individual and part of a much larger living matrix.

And, yet, here we are living in isolation from each other – in the wider world I mean.
I wonder what that does to our cells?

The longing within my cells is to live this truth of ‘supportive context’ – I need you and you need me. Yet, there is also a wisdom that speaks to me of the importance of boundaries – also embodied within the cell. How do I be me, with you – and how do I let you be you, with me? And how do I embody a reciprocal relationship with our world? How do we live in dynamic alignment with one another?

It strikes me that somewhere along the way, our essential trust in one another has been severed. The nervous system can recognise the ‘other’ as a threat – and very likely for a wise reason that served in a particular situation. That situation may no longer be the living truth but the pattern sticks as a survival mechanism repeating itself through relational experience. How do we learn to trust one another again? Equally, how do we stand in our own presence as worthy of another’s trust? How do I trust myself in a world of so many voices, with such diversity? How do I learn to be responsive to each moment with regards to trust?

‘Some… may notice that to feel comfortable they need to move their body away from the group. [They] may then judge themselves as lacking capacity for intimacy. It is important to point out that acknowledging the level of proximity that is truly comfortable is the beginning of self-organisation and regulation of health. By noticing what is true for us, we can be spatially far but relationally present because a key barrier to relationship has been removed. Often our greatest barrier to health is an image of what should be. We encourage enquiry in to what is true in the absence of judgements and self-image.’
(How life Moves, Caryn McHose & Kevin Frank)

In my very early 20’s I witnessed many self development / ‘body based’ groups that asked me to come closer when I felt safer on the periphery. I have been told I need to be more open, when openness was defined by the amount of physical contact I was willing to endure or how much of my personal story I was willing to divulge. I have also had my boundaries outright violated without permission sought at all. I say this not as victim but as someone who is walking the long road of taking back ownership of my edges, learning to feel them, learning to trust and embody them.

 

 

I seek safer sanctuary and trust my story with those I sense can hold it, with those who can be with me, while staying within themselves; with whom I can stay within myself while being with.

Empathic connection isn’t found in projecting myself in to you – or allowing you to project yourself in to me –  and vulnerability isn’t telling you every secret I hold. I find those qualities in the ability to locate myself within myself when I am with you; to know where I stand with you, while being receptive to your presence and the space between us. Dynamic relational attunement.

And, so importantly, to allow myself to be at the periphery until my body invites me to move a little closer. To get to know my edge, I must first be able to feel it – otherwise, how do I know where I am, let alone where I am in relationship?

This, I believe, is where trust begins; at our edges. These edges are not fixed places. They can change, but we must get to know and embrace them before we can allow a new sense of edge to emerge. How many times have you overridden your body / needs in order to fit in, or people please, or because you simply don’t even know where you end and another begins?

In somatic practice, we explore these boundaries in a safe environment, within small groups. We works at the pace of nervous system integration. We don’t seek ‘intense’ experience, rather allow integrative ones; ones that allow us to land in our skin and point towards the regeneration of healthy connection with each other.

Sensing in to my cells there is both a longing for connection and closeness and a need for safety, for boundary. Seemingly opposite experiences yet I find connection within both. There’s a community within myself that I think may know a bit more about this. I’m delving in to the wisdom of my cells to enquire more…

Does this strike a chord with you? What arises?
I’m curious.

 

 

 

I wrote this poem to bring together some of the musings I have been having about motherhood and soul work. It saddens me to hear women say they lose their souls in mothering, although I understand it as a part of my truth too.

My ongoing journey is in recognising my souls fulfilment in being a mother and remembering that through the challenging times when I feel divorced from my passions and other soul work.

I am also appreciating how motherhood is shaping my soul and how what I now bring to my work is deepened through my experience of becoming a mother. Mothering as soul work, for indeed it is. Soul work can demand of us to touch the darkest places in ourselves. Motherhood has certainly invited me to look at those places in myself.

Mothering has asked me to tend close in and slow right down. In the light of the current climate emergency, I have often given myself a hard time for not feeling ‘involved’ enough – then I take some time to sit with myself, with my despair, and I remember that how I choose to parent is as much of a political statement as any other…

Here is my poem:

There was a time,
when speaking with peers,
I had to force myself to
Meet their eyes.
Shame burned in me and
I imagined they would take one look at me
And know…

The stiffness of my muscles,
The aching of my joints,
The tenderness in my breasts,
The tired circles that halo’d my eyes for
What felt like an eternity.

Although I never ceased moving,
Returning to movement as a
Line connecting me to life,
As a gasp for breath between
Deep dives…

There were times when I carried my body
With me like a weight,
Something I could barely feel
Except for the places where
The rivers were damned and
The ice was solid as rock
And the exhaustion bore down on me
Like an unforgiving sun in the desert.

Something in me strove and fought
To hold on to some morsel of
Who I thought I was –

The independent woman,
The facilitator,
The giver,
The eternal student,
The sensual one…

Yet, slowly motherhood stripped me.
Layer by layer.
And slowly, and
At times reluctantly,
I brought my ear to the ground and
I listened.

Until

Naked
I stood.

And Naked,
I exhaled
The relief of surrender that
Comes with giving up trying so
Damn hard.

I gave myself to the breath of life that
Insisted itself into my heart and to the
Metamorphoses of motherhood.

I have heard mothers say that their soul
Exited when they gave birth,
Forgotten for years while they
Tend the other.
And, in the beginning,
I believed that to be
Something of my truth that
Never sat fully true.

Yet, now
I see that, with the coming
Of my son,
My soul began to be
Moulded by a clay
From a much deeper, richer and
More resilient earth.

To welcome myself in my exhaustion,
To move with it instead of against it,
To allow my soul to give itself to
Mothering and all that it entails.

The greatest freedom I found
In becoming a mother was
In allowing myself to be a mother.

There are times when my heart lurches
Inside of me,
When there are choices to be made
And they weigh in the favour of
He with the greatest need.

There are times when I long for
How things were,
The ‘freedom’ I had before his
Head burst through my vagina,
Ripping me open and
Changing my world.

There are times when
I wish my husband and I
Had more time together
Just the two of us…
To remember each other…

But slowly, the spaces are opening up.
I am awakening into a
Deeper version of myself
Whose needs and desires
Have been shifted by
The ebbing and flowing tide of
Sleepless nights,
Of cleaning up poo and of
Digging in to the the deepest
Pockets of my soul to
Find my greatest patience,
The roots of my vehemency and
The most powerful love I
Have ever experienced.

I would not know this without
My son,
Who brought these gifts
To me.
Who has insisted the
Container of myself
Expand to include
Not just him,
But all the parts of myself
I had unknowingly outcast.

It’s an ongoing journey.
One integrative step after
The other.

Do I recommend motherhood?

It’s not easy, it’s not.

Really,
It’s not.

And it’s not for everyone.
It is not every women’s desire.
And it ought to be a choice.

In fact it’s fucking hard and
Societal structures can make it
Isolating as hell.

But when I look at myself as who I was
Before he came and
Who I am now.
I can’t imagine it being
Any other way.

Time is precious, especially since I became a mama. When I approach my embodiment practice I can have the urge to dive right in to ‘make the most’ of the time I have. And time and time again my body reminds me – slow down. Wait. Listen first.

Movement can be evoke a timeless space so taking some of that precious time to attune can be tantamount to allowing that space to emerge.

‘arrive…river F. rive.. stream… shore, bank… L. arripare: to come to shore, to land.’ (Paraphrased from Miranda Tufnell’s book, A widening field).

Time to land before I launch. Rooting myself in my resources before I enter in to unknown terrain. I have come to appreciate the importance of this over many years of practice.

Each time, before movement unfolds, I arrive. I take some time to check in with myself and see where I am at in this moment. I create a container of support and ground from which my movement can emerge.

In checking in with myself, I attune to the different layers of my experience that need attention; body, mind, breath, emotion, energy etc. Movement can unfold from there, meeting my present felt sense more fully, as oppose to routinely following a predetermined sequence that may override the inner wisdom of my body, which could be yearning for a different approach.

The pressures of modern life can often see my nervous system in a state of hyper-arousal. Without offering myself a moment to ‘come to shore’ I may exacerbate my hyper-aroused state by avoiding the feelings that need attention through my movement practice. This is when movement, and other embodiment practices, can be used as a means to avoid rather than meet.

Focusing my attention and allowing my nervous system a moment to soothe in to a healthy neutrality (by which I do not mean numb, nor unaffected), I can be with what is with a greater sense of spaciousness, as well as allowing my movement practice to serve what is unfolding within me.

Just a few examples of embodiment practice that allow for arrival are:

• feeling your feet on the ground, exploring weight.
• observing the fluctuations of your breath
• taking a few deep breaths
• attuning to body sensation
• feeling the contact points your body makes with the ground
• listening to the sounds around you
• awakening the senses

These are but a few of many of the resources we can call upon to help us to ‘arrive’ more fully in the moment. I leave you with a simple settling practice I have recorded for you to use.

I recently received an email about Spring time and the theme of rebirth that feels so present at this time of year. It inspired me to be in touch and to share some of my news.

Óran is 17 months now and I have been feeling my creative wings yearning to take flight once more for some time now. Mamahood is a creative process in and of itself… and I am also woman, human,  multi-faceted…

I feel excitement at having just agreed to facilitate at a couple of local festivals: This Earth Gathering, a festival for women where I shall be sharing a workshop called Validating the Wisdom of Your Living Body and Erti Suli, a family festival where I shall be sharing a workshop about Movement, Connection and Relationship to Ground / Earth as well as one for teens.

I am also happy to have found a training in Authentic Movement at the Karuna Institute, just around the corner, that will allow me to develop further and begins later in the year.

I’ve found, through this early stage of mothering, that it has been a process of tiny little spaces opening up as time flows steadily on. This has been both a breath of fresh air and, at times, frustrating as I have longed for some space and time to re-member myself.

Inner resources have kept me afloat; moving my body (even when Óran climbs all over me while I move); embodied relaxation; short moments of awareness and remembering my breath; the first breath of fresh air as I leave any building (I have come to LOVE this so much); communication and connection with my partner to maintain our bond with love; taking a shower and cold plunges to energise my body after long nights of little sleep…. there are many and all have been so helpful in their own rite.

And there are times when I feel everything is falling apart. Times when my insides feel outside, when the images of my world crumbling around me are strong and over bearing. Emotion runs high and the ground can often disappear from under my feet.

I have never had so much demanded of me with so little sleep and so little time for myself. I have never felt so exhausted…. And I have never felt so much love.

I believe it is this that keeps me going. My heart is asked, every day, to stretch a little further; to touch the ground and sky.

I witness my son develop and grow and I feel so grateful that he is here. And, it is with this renewed depth and love that I begin to see outwards again, that I begin to take steps back into the world of being woman…. and I will never be the same again.

Motherhood has, and always is, changing me – moment to moment. And as Spring seeds and will slowly shape into Summer, I am curious as to what will unfold in me as I feel creativity waking up and reaching outwards once more.

All love,

Hayley xx

It has been so very long since I sat to write….

And my time is preciously limited!

Our little one sleeps,

Resting next door.

His sweet breath rises

And falls.

His innocent face an ocean of potential.

Did I mention I am in Love?

I am.

I’ve known him for 10 months

wombside

And 8 1/2  months

Earth born.

Relatively, it is a short time.

Yet ours is one of the most intimate relationships

I have ever encountered.

Born naturally, at home,

He entered this world on our living room floor,

Not the birth pool as I had thought.

He was

Earth

Born.

Through the gap between my legs,

Ross, my beloved, passed him to me.

A boy.

In my eyes, I saw him glowing gold.

A vision which leaves me in awe to this day.

An aura I still see around him.

As I was taking him in,

He was taken away.

Struggling to gasp his first breath,

He was rushed to hospital.

 

I lay motionless on the floor,

Nothing left in me but the image of our son,

Glowing gold.

 

Something kept me from panic.

Perhaps it was exhaustion following a long birthing.

Perhaps it was the deep inner feelings of trust,

The whisperings and holding I somehow sensed around me,

Around him,

That told me

He was going to be OK.

He is OK.

Five hours later,

Following my own journey in hospital,

I welcomed our son again,

Into my arms,

Into this world.

I stayed with him

In the special care unit of Torbay hospital,

Six more days.

I took him out of the incubator and held him close and,

When I could,

I slept with him next to me,

In the hospital bed….

…

I still sleep with him next to me in our bed.

We, our little family of three,

Ross, Óran and I.

We spend our nights together…

Sometimes restful, sometimes not so.

Yet, intimate.

We know each other day and night and

I celebrate all the parts of our son

I get to know through being with him in this way.

We have no special ‘baby things.’

It’s just us,

A few wooden toys,

Cardboard boxes,

A HUGE bed,

The sling and

A whole lot of Love.

Parenting naturally.

Parenting at our own pace.

Parenting receptively.

Parenting compassionately.

Parenting communicatively.

Parenting with presence.

Parenting with support.

Parenting with a sustainable focus.

Parenting with integrity.

These are my commitments to our dear son.

These qualities also must be my commitments to myself,

To Ross,

To life.

Becoming a parent has exposed a whole new world

To my innocent eyes.

My movement, yoga, singing & creative practices

Feel, now, like such

Luxuries!

 

As Óran grows,

Spaces open and I can find time to

Explore the inner realms of me,

To stretch out my aching muscles,

To feed my soul.

Movement can be play that Óran and I share…

I try to “practice contemplative movement” while

He giggles and crawls all over me,

Offering me wet, open mouthed kisses and

Planting his face into mine.

I wrap him up in me

And

Let him go when his curiosity catches him.

I find presence in the

awareness of a few simple breaths

When I am up in the wee small hours of

The morning, feeding him.

I breathe into compassion;

Towards myself when I am exhausted and when

I feel I have nothing left;

When Ross is tired after a day of working;

When Óran moans as the little stubs of his teeth

Peek through his achy gums.

I try to slow down when

I start to feel myself getting carried upon

A wave of the fast paced society I am a part of.

 

I do not want to model this to our son.

I have not witnessed it create health and well being…

In anyone.

I would like to be part of a different reality.

It starts with me.

It starts with our family.

How we parent is a political and social statement.

It is not one we are trying hard to make to prove something to the world.

It is one that feels right,

That feels aligned with

Our natural selves.

Parenting asks me to look more deeply into myself.

It helps me realise how important genuine communication is.

Between Ross and I.

Between ourselves and grandparents, extended family and friends.

It asks me to live more authentically,

Even closer to my Self than I was before.

 

And as a woman who has found ‘safety’ in my independence,

It is truly asking me to appreciate

That support on this journey is so important.

That reaching out and asking for help

Is a strength and

That, in raising a child, it

Truly does

Take a village.

I hope, in the not too distant future, to explore and share more deeply the values I have mentioned. Parenting has highlighted them to me and asked me to embed them deeper into my own way of being. Challenges arise on this journey and myself and Ross do the best we are able to with the history and conditioning that we contain. If ever the mirror were being held up for us to see ourselves more intimately, it is now.

All Love,

Hayley xx

 

As I can feel the birthing of our baby draw closer, I have been contemplating how I can best serve myself, this little one and our family as I move through this transition and journey into mamahood.

I have decided to deactivate my Facebook account for now.

I have been feeling unsatisfied with the connections I have through social media for a while now and feeling a deep desire to create and foster more intimate connections. I would love to connect more with people in my local area as well as deepen the connections I have with my dear friends. I do not feel Facebook offers me a platform for this. I am often left feeling deflated, even alone. 

I notice how I know so much about what is going on in someone’s life but I rarely ever actually connect with them – face to face, skin to skin, person to person, heart to heart. I feel sad about this. It’s not what I had imagined the forms of my relating to be.

I am also looking to reduce screen time as I do not want our child to create a connection with a screen. I know how addictive this can be for us as adults so, when I consider the impact of screen time on a child, I notice concern.

I realise so much that the intimacy, support and nourishment that I would like our child to receive is much of what I need to give to myself. I need to live by my own inner integrity and this, in and of itself, can offer (I hope) clear and loving modelling for our child, as well as giving them permission to fully be who they are. 

I feel a bit afraid of the “connections” I may lose in stepping away from social media. I have spent most of my adult life living abroad and have created connections with people who live far from my home base. I love seeing how you all are and what you are up to. I hold so many of you in my heart and the usual feelings of grief and fear upon letting go come up.

However, I do also feel, that if we are to truly connect we will find other ways of doing so that are more gratifying, more nourishing, more authentic. I hear the voices in my head about losing touch with people, events and work if I step away… and, yet, it feels like the right thing to do, especially now. 

I am not saying this will be forever, nor am I attempting to reduce the value of social media for anyone. This is simply what is true for me, right now.

When I begin facilitating again, I may choose to step back in. I may not. Like any relationship that doesn’t feel fulfilling and can’t be resolved through direct contact, I am needing to take space from my relationship with social media, either to reform it or to let it go. 

So, how will I do this? Part of me feels awkward that breaking away from facebook feels a bit like the ending of a relationship. I cringe a bit at that!! It is a relationship, albeit a non-human one that involves humans!! And, in a way, the truth is some connections will dissolve away.

Well, I’d like to do this consciously, gradually. 

My plan is to wait until after I have given birth. I hope to post a photograph and a fare well message before I go, with this blog as pre-notice of my departure. This gives anyone time to be in touch if you wish to. So, this gives us about a month more Facebook contact time, depending on when the baby is born. It may be a good idea to get in the habit of contacting me via email as oppose to Facebook. 

Ways to stay in touch:

• Professional wise (if you have been coming to classes or want to keep up to date about any offerings I may be making or blog musings): Please subscribe to my mailing list and follow my blog (there is an option to do this on my website in the right hand column of the pages). I will continue to blog from time to time (don’t expect to hear from me for a wee while after our little one is born!!). This way you can stay updated about anything I may offer at a professional level.
• I will be offering one-to-one skype sessions after about 6 months – 1 year, depending on the needs of our baby so do stay tuned about those. 
• I will offer workshops in Scotland when I come to visit, likely in about a year, perhaps next summer.

• Personal Connections (friends, family): I will be looking to reduce the amount of time I am on a screen, as well as my mobile phone. We have a landline! Please text or email me and I will share my number with you and would love to stay in touch! It may be great to skype sometimes too. Likely for the first part of our baby’s life, our land line is best! I would LOVE to stay connected so if you don’t have my details please contact me so our friendship can continue and deepen.

I thank you all so much for your support and understanding and I look forward to the ways our relationships evolve, whether professional or personal.

I am also looking forward to having a bit more space in my life, in my body and out of my head; time to spend connecting with the natural world and sharing this with our baby; quality time in the company of people; quiet times; and times to celebrate in community. Generally slowing down, rooting in and connecting out in more authentic ways.

SO many blessings to you all and thank you for being part of this journey! All well wishes to those of you who I may not meet again. You have all touched me in some way.

 

Where does my body call to be moved?
In all these places;
Neck, shoulders, hips, spine.

Wave like
Undulations.
Erratic stomps and swings.

Moments of pause,
Of fluctuation,
Awareness inwards,
Awareness outwards.

Curiosity,
Clumsiness,
Grace.

Jaw, neck, shoulders,
Arms, hands,
Fingers.

Forward,
Backward.
Reaching up and
Back to
Ground.

Slow me down!
Speed me up!

It’s all here.

It’s all here.

I just rediscovered this song that I wrote a couple of years ago.

My friend, Will Softmore, and I improvised with it one day back in 2014 and here is what emerged. 

I had forgotten I had even written it!! I felt both sad and touched when I heard it. It reminded me that I have not been singing as much as I usually do in the last year and a half. Something occurred in my life about that long ago that knocked me into a kind of a silence and creative shut down and I am still, slowly, emerging from it. I didn’t even really notice it happening at the time. It was only after time that my heart began to lament a forgotten voice that loves to sing from the core of my heart. It was as if I had forgotten how. 

Being pregnant has been a blessing in this way. I have been reminded of the healing power of expressing my voice and of music. I have felt called to sing to the growing baby in my womb and this has awoken this love in me once more.

I still feel trepidatious when I come to sing now. It touches me so deeply that, when I do, there is nowhere to hide. My heart literally breaks open and I am born naked to the world, seen in all my vulnerability. It scares me. I avoid it, still. 

And yet, when I do allow myself to sing, to touch into those places in myself, I am moved into a different kind of silence. Not the kind of silence where I am keeping a lid on a wild array of emotion, grief as well as joy, within myself. Rather, one in which I become so deeply touched by the sense of connection to all living things, seen and unseen, so connected to myself.

I am moved into wonder, awe and spaciousness. Even my grief can transform. First it is my own, then it becomes the grief of all things, then it can soften into a love which beholds space for all that is within me. The only thing I have to ‘do’ is turn towards it, allow it. There is great creative potential and beauty inside all emotion.

So, here I am. Remembering now. Remembering this resource that lives within me, beginning to feel the space again to go to this place that touches me so deeply. Honouring my near silence over the last while – a necessary protective wisdom that understands the art of timing. A renewed curiosity to explore this voice, this music once more. 

I thought I would share it. It’s a live, improvised recording. It’s not meant to be perfect, just playful. Enjoy.

I met someone today who said to me he thought the ‘true yoga’ was

To be found in India. 

As he spoke those words, something inside my body

Tightened.

Tightened and then softened into inquiry.

Hmmmmm, I thought,

I don’t know about that.

I have seen many a guru in India whom,

Despite their teaching being impressive,

Abuse their position of power and,

Therefore, they are not really living yoga….

I have witnessed as much ignorance as well as grace and wisdom

In many countries of the world, 

In many cultures,

In many people…

In myself.

Is this ‘true yoga’ confined to a feeling state –

One of peace, of bliss, of calm?

Is it confined to what is beautiful and good?

Or does it embrace all –

The life-death-life dance

We all dance?

Is it limited to a set of steps and stages along a 

Fixed path to some distant goal

Called ‘enlightenment?’

Or is it something so close we

Miss it by looking so far?

Could it be unlimited, ever emerging presence?

Can it be defined?

Does it even have to be called ‘Yoga’?

After some time, some movement, some 

Inquiry within,

I can only ponder that the

‘True Yoga’ is nowhere and

Everywhere all at once.

It is within me, 

In this very moment….

Wherever I am in the world.

And it is within you

In this very moment….

Wherever you are in the world.

It is within everything.

It is nowhere not….

And this is not a conclusion.

The inquiry is ongoing…

This is my ‘ethical income’ page that I thought I would post as a blog too.

I am interested in ways that we all, as sentient beings on this planet, can live in abundance and thrive in the time we spend here.

Everything in life points me back to starting where I am. Meeting others and the world where they and it are. At the moment, money is a rather deeply ingrained part of our societal functioning. In an ideal world, perhaps a future one, we would live with out it, in a deeper sense of community, inter-relatedness and respect for all things. However, at the moment, it is there.

I don’t feel it is money, as such, that causes the issues we face across the world today. Rather, perhaps those issues are a lot to do with our relationship to not just money, but life, ourselves, each other, nature…? It’s easy to blame money and external things, but I wonder if the issue is closer to home…?

Abuse of power, greed and social isolation play a big part in many of the problems we face today. Our education system can often be set up to set us apart from each other through competitive sports,  linear thinking, focus towards achieving statistics, stressful examinations etc. We are primed to enter the ‘world of work’ and to often see our peers as our competition and technology as the only useful form of income. It’s not like this in every education system is like this but there are an awful lot of financial cuts on really important subjects like the arts, nature connection and subjects that enhance social awareness and communication skills. Many of these subjects have been moved to extra curricular activities that, while it’s great that they are still there, has made them less accessible to those who may not be able to afford them.

I imagine an educational system that promotes social connection and inclusiveness, creativity, environmental awareness, personal, relational and physical health and well being as well as fostering an attitude of community and togetherness that expands borders and focuses achievement towards an ideal of well being for all, everywhere.

And I envision similar ideals within a professional focus too. If we were reared with a more embodied understanding of our inter-relatedness, could we really make the decisions that we do in such disrespect of our world and those who live with in it? Those, whom perhaps we do not know or see in our immediate environment, but whose lives our choices affect? Those, who are animal, mineral, vegetable, who have equal rights to claim this planet as home as we do?

I breathe, and I remember to start where we are, to meet the world where it’s at. From there, steps forward are possible. I can become easily overwhelmed when I begin to think of the breadths of re-education, of re-membering, our species needs to travel through to evolve in a way that is constructive.

So, where am I? The change starts within so I see written and hear over and over again. So, where am I with all of this? I can’t make you change, I can’t make anyone change. It is exhausting trying to make the world change. It is overwhelming and I often burn out in the process. I can only be authentic to myself and allow the ripple effect to happen… in the way that it does.

That doesn’t mean sitting back in a despondent state though. Being authentic to myself involves a willingness to see myself as I am – the angels and daemons that lurk within the dark watery vicissitudes of my being. Turning inwards to see also means turning outwards to act!

To me, it means developing a deep acceptance of the  forces of life and death that exist within every cell of my being in every moment. It means facing them. It means, slowly unraveling the tight threads of conditioning woven around core wounds and destructive habitual patterning… and reweaving healthy patterns that serve my personal development and our planet.

It means holding myself and others within a compassionate and open awareness and noticing when I don’t; with compassion and openness. It means learning to play, to include and allow joy into my life through connection, clear communication and healthy boundaries.

It means considering the consequences of my actions and my intentions behind them – we can’t always avoid harming others, sometimes it happens by mistake – in knowing my motivations I can see instances where I have acted with good intentions as well as spaces that are open for development. I learn to forgive the parts of myself that are less alert and to compassionately allow them into conscious awareness – to become conscious.

I cannot divorce how I earn my living from any of these things (in my opinion). When I inquire deeply into the nature of my own being and my inter-relatedness with all living things and then act out of integrity with that through how I choose to sell and consume my wares, then I am creating a split and a dissociation within myself. It’s not just living with integrity externally – it’s an inside job too. One that is multi faceted.

Finding a means of ethical income can feel like a double edged sword! How do I meet my basic needs plus some for thriving in life at the same time as it meeting my ethical values?!? It can feel really hard to find work that is ‘perfectly’ sustainable, and it can seem really unrealistic too when looking at what is on offer in this world of work.

Coming back to starting where we are, sometimes it may not always be possible to find that ‘perfect match.’ What is possible though, is to continue this process of Self inquiry within the work you are involved in if it doesn’t drain the very essence of your being.

It’s a skill and an art to somehow balance this with a open attitude towards colleagues who may not have the same intentions. It’s not about projecting our beliefs on to anyone – often that sends them running in the opposite direction and creates isolation, sometimes an unnecessary sense of righteousness, for ourselves.

And, in some way, perhaps it’s about understanding that abundance means living with enough to thrive but not necessarily with huge excess. We can strive so hard to be “successful” but what does that really mean? Is it a figure in a bank account? A fast, shiny car? A huge house? Or can it be knowing that I have enough to thrive, that I have all my basic needs met and, perhaps, a little extra to enjoy nourishing activities, healthy food and occasional, ethical trips away, quality time in nature, with friends, family and loved ones? Can it even be in giving something back – when I know my basic needs are met and I have some excess, can I use that excess in some way that benefits others / our planet?

There have been times in life when I have really been able to do this and times when I have had to focus inwards to build my resources again, but my intention is to feel a secure enough sense of foundation that I can share my gifts in some way with those who may not usually meet to and those who want to (not to force them on people!!). Sometimes this is the simplest act, such as holding a door open for someone, offering a smile, holding clear communication and healthy boundaries (yes, this does serve others – being inauthentic to ourselves is not in service of others).

I realise as I write that it has to do with so much more than ethical income. It’s more about how we choose to live, to educate, to consume and to relate. We are the world in the making – we are part of it – and how we choose to spend our time here is up to each of us… do we choose a life in which we sacrifice our quality of relationships and health of our planet, always trying to achieve more and more, that somehow seems never enough? Or do we re-member the small things, reclaim a sense of spaciousness, awe and wonder for our natural world and our own inner ability to create through our bodies, naturescapes, voices and in deep respect and nurturance of our world and each other?

And…. how do we start where we are, to meet ourselves compassionately and authentically so our development can be sustainable, realistic and reach to our roots?

I’ll leave those questions with you…. and continue to ponder them deeply myself.